Have you even said or thought those words when you heard a woman stayed in an abusive marriage? Or said, “I wouldn’t put up with that for five minutes?”
Stunned into silence as the words rolled out of my sons mouth, “you’re an adult, you could have left.” Surprised, yet not as this is a prevalent view that most people have about women in abusive marriages. A thousand responses whirled through my mind, yet I could only get out, “you don’t even know, you think you know but you don’t.”
How do you explain to a child that isn’t a child he didn’t know most of what happened behind closed doors? Though he’s an adult, I could hear the child in his words. All the child wants to know is why didn’t his mama protect him. It explains why children may be more angry at the mom for staying than they are at their father for abusing. Which doesn’t sound logical, but is true.
How do you explain coercion and control? Or the power of a look that sends bolts of fear through you, a look that paralyzes you into compliance. Or the conditioning, the use of threats of force or violence to punish you if you don’t comply.
Abusers use the same tactics used by kidnappers and hostage takers who use gaslighting, degradation, and kindness to make you compliant, so that even if you’re able to escape, you don’t. Through intimidating tactics you’re forced to believe something that isn’t true through repetition, deception, and confusion until you believe it’s true. They create scenarios to keep you off balance until you question everything you know and believe.
Most people believe that domestic abuse is only about battering, most don’t know it is so much more than hitting. Abuse slowly dismantles her self-confidence, takes away her rights, controls nearly every area of her life. He may not hit her, but he’ll use the threat of violence to keep her off balance. She looks like the perfect wife and he the perfect husband.
He’s charming, funny, kind, and controlled. He talks about Jesus like he knows Him. She may seem jumpy, nervous, overly talkative, quiet, fidgety, even composed as if all is right in her world. She may tell you what an amazing husband and father he is, how helpful he is, building him up into Wonder Husband. But it’s a cover to keep you from looking to close, from seeing the nightmare she’s living in. A nightmare she has no words for.
She sits next to you in church, attends your bible study, or works in ministry. She’s your neighbor, your co-worker, your friend. She may be a stay at home mom, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, a small business owner, or works at a job below her capabilities, rich, poor, or somewhere in between.
He sits next to you in church, attends men’s groups, may even lead the group, teaches Sunday School. He’s your boss, your neighbor, your co-worker, your friend. He’s may be an attorney, a pastor, in ministry, in law enforcement, an elder, a doctor, a mechanic, a cook, rich, poor, or somewhere in between.
She may seem to have the idyllic life, living the fairytale, but it’s really a house of horrors.
Shame seals her lips and keeps her silent.
When she finally reaches out for help she is told to do better and be better, pray and forgive. If she dares to share with family… he can’t be that bad, you married him, you’re an adult you could leave, is it bad enough for a divorce? You know how men are; they have needs, they misbehave, stand by your man, he needs you.
If they talk to him, he says… it wasn’t that bad, whatever she said isn’t true, I didn’t do it, she made me to do when she did xyz, I’m sorry, she’s crazy and unbalanced, see what I put up with, I’m sorry.
No one understands the fear that courses through her body when she hears the car door slam—will he be in a good mood or bad? The egg shells are replaced by land mines. How much longer can she do this. She calls out to God, but He seems silent. She knows God hates divorce, will He hate her if she leaves?
She believes it’s her job to keep the marriage covenant. She doesn’t know he broke the covenant a long time ago. She believes she’s responsible for his behavior; she isn’t. She believes she’s being a good wife by holding out for the promise that one day he’ll change back to the man who wooed her.
What she doesn’t know is that man never existed. He presented himself as a hero so she couldn’t see the monster hiding within.
You may think you know him, but you don’t, you only see what he wants you to see. You can’t imagine the level of evil that lurks under the surface of his smile.
What can you do to help her?
- Let her know if she ever needs help that she can come to you.
- If she opens up to you, listen, don’t assume she’s complaining about her husband. It has taken every ounce of her courage to talk to you.
- Don’t talk to him to get his side of the story.
- Show her compassion, love on her, encourage her.
- Don’t give her books on marriage or suggest marriage counseling. Abuse isn’t a marriage problem, it’s his problem. She’s not at fault for his abuse. She’s not weak, she’s terrified.
- Don’t pressure her to leave.
- When she’s ready to leave, help her plan.
What else can you do? Learn about domestic abuse / coercive control so that when you meet a woman courageous enough to tell you her secret, you’ll know how to help her.